Mechanically Separated Chicken.

Saturday, April 26, 2003








Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Five items I can't live without.

My life-size effigy of David Niven. My collection of seismological graphs. My turnip. My hand-of-glory. Sand.

Monday, April 21, 2003


"Whenever my stomach hurts, I stop punching it."

Brian Eno

Sunday, April 20, 2003


I'm sick of being wealthy. This morning I was so bored I ate a cake of soap. It was rose geranium.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Wonderful Things My Friends Have Made #896.

The Empty Show.

The Penguin Doesn't Know Much.

But it knows this: Happy Birthday, Michael!

Monday, April 14, 2003

Datura stramonium.

Every night of summer, there was a moon lily.

Every night of summer, there was a moon lily. As the light faded, the green vine strangling the balistrade in our back yard released a handful of delicate white trumpets that unfolded in slow motion.

Moon lilies are like the running sequences in Chariots of Fire and the Six Million Dollar Man. They ought to have a soundtrack.

Like this: Chhh-Chhh-Chhh-Chhh.

They are unstoppable.

My father and I would oversee their opening, sometimes with a stopwatch. Some took only minutes to expand fully - thudding open like umbrellas - while others took an entire evening just to bust open the green carapace, the egg that encased them.

'It's important to be observant,' my father would say. He'd cradle his beer (sometimes his fourth already) with one hand while with the other he'd pluck off the sticky, bruised remnants of the previous night's flowers. We watched in silence - or perhaps marvelled over the swiftness of a particular moon lily's escape - while my mother set the dinner table.

He and I would remain there, timing the moon as it began its arc. Later, at dinner, I'd watch the way my father spread the napkin across his lap with flamboyant precision, while my mother's lay beside her plate, clean and folded and flat as a sealed envelope.

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

Three Products I Have Invented.

All-purpose deity, great for picnics, camping or in the pool!

Make it walk by moving its legs with your hands!

Two pets in one! A real bargain!

If you'd like to order any of these items, please contact our service department.