Mechanically Separated Chicken.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Girlfriend in a Coma.

hot soup girl: Here's my idea: you pay a corporation to put you in an induced coma for a month or two, while they run your life for you. You wake up and everything's been dealt with - ex-partners broken up with gracefully, all messy loose ends tied up - and you just pick up where they've left off. Robots may be involved.

signalstation: maybe a robot duplicate of yourself?

hot soup girl: Sure, why not?

signalstation: I'm glad it was that easy to convince you. I was ready to weep hot tears of frustration if you weren't willing to concede.

hot soup girl: I'm all for the robot. I'm thinking it would look like a rough fascimile of you, with a plate printed on its chest letting people know that they're interacting with a proxy.

signalstation: A proxy that thinks nothing of extending a middle digit and telling someone on your behalf to "sit on it and spin, shit-eyes" while breaking up with them.

hot soup girl: Maybe. Personally, I'd like my facsimile to deal with the situation with grace, self-respect and compassion. It's just that I'd rather sleep through the accompanying suffering, while the robot glides through with emotional imperviousness.

signalstation: Ah. See, I want a two-fisted duplicate. One with a reputation so fearsome that people will plead with me not to enter that coma.

hot soup girl: That works.
hot soup girl: This idea reminds me of the induced comas that opera singers opted for in the 70s as a effortless weight-loss solution.
hot soup girl: That didn't work out too well. Probably because the appropriate robot technology hadn't evolved yet.


Blogger Sean M Whelan said...

where do I sign?
can you get gift vouchers as well?
the perfect xmas pressie.

12:51 PM

Blogger kathrynoh said...

I have often thought about a coma as a career move. Ideally you would be getting some kind of sick leave and/or centrelink payment so you could get your bills paid at the same time.

Are robots safe to use as dole form submitting devices?

6:18 PM

Blogger billyjoe noodle-bob said...

nice work, even if you DID steal it off Douglas Adams, when Hotblack Desiato spent a year dead for taxation purposes....

nice work on the robot bit though.

3:47 PM

Blogger mcb said...

Oh but inevitably everyone's going to like the robot more than the you. It always happens. Then you wake up from the coma (ten years later than originally planned, mind you, because the robot has recalibrated the thingie to make you bake for a little longer) and there's your robot, married to your supposed-to-be-ex, having a great time, earning more money than you, telling better jokes, knowing the cool bars to hang out in way before anyone else.

2:28 PM

Blogger Benedict said...

When I was younger and underemployed, I imagined I would have a robot to hold down a salaried job for me. It would be as robotic as a servant in a Bronte novel, even though it would be working for a bottling company and sending its paychecks (minus operating expenses) back to me at the end of the month. The fantasy always ended with the dull automaton catching the foreman's eye. I would walk it down the aisle on its wedding day.

2:10 PM

Blogger Aaron said...

I think I would enjoy it more if I were to stay conscious, and everyone else in my life were to enter a two month coma.

1:10 AM

Blogger Tamzin Femme said...

I like the memory wipe approach ala "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." Otherwise you'd miss out on two months of post-traumatic stress-management fucking.

11:11 PM

Blogger Penny said...

I love the smiths.

11:59 AM

Anonymous fin said...


7:49 AM

Anonymous Alex DeWolf said...

See the Show Dollhouse.

1:08 AM


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