Pyrate Resources.

Yes, yes - I realise Talk Like a Pirate Day is now a thing of the past (only 362 days 'til the next one, arr!). But for those of you with a fixation, shall we say, on all things pirate, I've done a little plundering. Blackbeardlives, f'rinstance, is a veritable treasure trove of swashbuckling-related info, including the origins of the Jolly Roger flag, the pirate's code of conduct (which includes a handy diagram illustrating exactly how many pieces of eight you're entitled to if your leg gets hacked off during a raid) and a spot of myth debunking.

I've also found a number of sea shanties for you to learn (and there'll be a quiz later, administered by cutlass). I'm intrigued to learn that although these songs were sung for pleasure, they were also, more often than not, used as a method of time-keeping. Many were designed to last as long as a particular ship's task, like the turning of the capstan or windlass.

But as far as I'm concerned, there's really only one song about buccaneering worth its salt. Go ask Stephen Malkmus about his hook, and how he got it.

That story will curdle ye blood, bosun.

Arr.

Arrrrrr.

Yo ho ho, me hearties. Aye'm here to tell ye that t'day be Talk like a Pirate Day! Get involved. Wear an eyepatch. Grab a hook. Fill ye pockets with gold doubloons and pieces of eight. Borrow a parrot. Make a landlubber walk the plank. Select some pantaloons. Kill a few Spaniards.

And step to it smartly, ye scurvy dogs! Cowardly swabs! Or Aye'll give ye a taste of the cat!

Avast!

Gangway!

Land ho!

Uhm.

Shiver me fuckin' timbers.

The Monkey is Here.

Police suspect 'monkey man' is alien or remote-controlled robot.

I wager it's a robot. Anyone willing to lay down a fiver?